Allah’s Open Letter to Terrorists
Dear Mujahedeen,
I have both good and bad news for you.
Good news first: your self-proclaimed, self-appointed face of terror, Osama bin Laden, is alive. He was never killed. He is cooling his heels somewhere in the Caribbean with a secret army of American soldiers protecting him and a seraglio of 72 harlot American models. See, the Americans lied about it, about Osama himself. I think you understand, it’s politricks. Somebody wanted to remain in the White House where ISIS wants to raise my flag.
Now, the bad news. There is an acute shortage of virgins over here, guys. The forces of demand and supply are really fighting, and I don’t think the war will end any time soon. And who lied to you there are virgins over here anyway?
Sometime in May 1998, just before he sent you guys to Nairobi, Kenya, Osama bin Laden said that he is one of my servants, that you guys do your duty of fighting for the sake of my religion. I wonder whether you really know what my religion is. He claimed that it was his duty to send a call to all the people of the world to enjoy the great light and to embrace Islam and experience the happiness in Islam, that your primary mission is nothing but the furthering of this religion. Seriously? People who refused to listen to my messengers Īsā ibn Maryām and Mohammed and other prophets would not listen to a bunch of idiots with a death wish.
It’s a pity you think that the world can be righted through murder. Isn’t there enough death in the world already from hunger, starvation, calamities, and the stupid wars you stupid humans wage against each other? You might as well expect me to have dinner with Satan. I don’t see a time when America will be peace-loving enough to stop their nuclear weapons stockpiling and convince Iran to give up developing their own nuclear weapons; that Vladimir Putin will understand that the world is too big for him to rule and vacate Ukraine; that Islamic State will be cajoled to dialogue with Syria and cool down their temper against Christians they behead; that Boko Haram will understand knowledge is the beginning of wisdom; that Israel will know that Palestine too are chosen people, or al-Shabaab will leave Kenya and go to Alaska as they said they would.
When you are being lured with sex by Imams and Sheikhs with a list of crimes I want you to commit against your fellow human beings, do you even take a second to think? Oh, I pity mankind! Lust is your downfall, it always has been. You blow yourselves into smithereens for a promise of sex? Jannah is not a place of immorality, or a fucking brothel if I may use the American lingo. Smell the coffee guys, there are no harems here. You people cannot mete out my revenge as you are lied to when being enlisted. The seeds of hatred are planted in you and it consumes you throughout your purposeless lives.
Well, I understand in this age of social media and worship of celebrities you will crave fame what your terror activities would guarantee. I understand that being just a lone gunman you can hold a whole city hostage. All the media would swarm to you and glorify your Kaffiyehedface to the world. What a glorifying moment!
It has become adage that all terrorists are Muslims but all Muslims are not terrorists, anyone refuting? President Obama insisted in a public response to ritual beheadings that “That isn’t Islam!” You laughed at him in merriment. Or was it my religion, the religion of peace? Tell me, I command you.
The Islam al-Qaeda, the Islamic State, Jabhat al-Nusra, al-Shabaab, Boko Haram, Taliban, Hamas, and the rest propagate is, indeed, madness of psychopathic people with lots of loose nuts in their heads that needs to be tightened. Unfortunately I can’t tighten the nuts without having to kill them first, and I don’t have workshops down there; and to make matters worse if I trod the same ground with you guys I fear you might kidnap me and demand I give you your virgins down there.
Mullah Omar, Taliban shedding all the blood in Afghanistan does not establish my laws on earth, it is a crime against humanity; genocide is the word. William Plotnikov, Dagestan is part of the universe I created; you think I don’t know what is happening there? Abu Muasa’b al-Zarqawi, beheading of innocent people is against what I expect you know from the Koran; Bin Laden in his Caribbean safe house regrets whatever he did to you people. I could give you his satellite phone number, but then you’d go and kill him yourselves.
If your self-proclaimed commanders don’t take it a little too far, Sheikh Aboud Rogo and Sheikh Makaburi would be alive today, or did you think you’d move about killing other people and expect them not to hit back? I know al-Shabaab is a snake and its head is in Little Mogadishu, Kenya, too bad for the Kenya Defence Forces they are hitting at the tail of the snake in Somalia, but you can tone it down a bit.
The 148 people you killed in Garissa University College attack was supposed to be an April fool’s day prank, why did you morons go ahead and mow down the students. The over 200 girls you kidnapped and raped in Nigeria are scarred forever, or did your commanders tell you that the 72 houris had descended and you needed to save them from the infidels you were fighting? Westgate Mall, almost two years down the line, has not been reconstructed. The London train bombing is forever etched in the minds of the victims. The 9/11 scars never healed, so are the memories of 1998 Nairobi and Dar es Salaam twin bombing in Kenya and Tanzania have never faded. All the bombings you’ve done, we stopped taking count. Do you want me to continue? The litany of your atrocities is endless.
Dear mujahedeen, I wish you took a reality check. With the unprecedented numbers of you guys enlisting for my cause which, unfortunately, I don not endorse, or have an iota of, the virgins you are lied to exist here are in short supply. I just took headcount this morning, you’d just stop it if you heard how many I found and compared to the rate you guys are blowing yourselves up. Just have your jihad brides and have all the sex you want while you still can because, for real, and seriously, there are no virgins over here, not for you anyway to say the least.
And if I may give my unsolicited advice, you are not the Creator, I am. Know your place, tend to the little garden I gave you, the world is too big an adversary for you; and eternal life is not gotten through spending all your earthly life committing crimes against my people.
I hope this letter gets you holed up somewhere planning your next attack not just about to press the switch to those vests you love to wear about to detonate yourself. I may be expecting a reply, but I’m not counting on it.
Your One and Only,
You know Whom I Am.
